[Regulus is quiet for a long moment, as if waiting for something. The shadows seem to be doing his breathing for him, pulsing and receding, pulsing and receding - but receding a little more each time, at least.]
He made it home. He was almost dead, but he made it. Mother and Father knew he had been lent out, so it was simple enough to keep him hidden while he recovered. When he was strong enough, he told me what had happened, and I started to plan.
[He's pacing again, or at least pacing as much as someone who's never shown much evidence of legs under those unnaturally black robes can pace.]
You see, Sirius, I knew what Kreacher had been sent to hide. It took a little research, but it was simple enough to piece together. The locket of Salazar Slytherin. The need to hide it so thoroughly. The changes in His attitude thereafter. The Dark Lord made a Horcrux.
[He stops moving, and the way he looks at Sirius, cheeks still stained with tears, is accusing; his tone is suddenly nothing but bitter.]
And before you say anything, yes, I thought about finding you and telling you. Then I thought about how, if I was going to wind up dead or in Azkaban regardless, I'd rather not do it with you laughing at me.
[And yet, here we are. Petty. Stupid. But he's said it now.]
So I decided to deal with it myself. Kreacher was invaluable, as always. He told me what to expect, what the security measures were. I did my own research into the Horcrux itself. I determined that it would be impractical to destroy it in situ, and if possible, I wanted to be far away from Grimmauld Place when I did destroy it. I also...
...You know, there's remarkably little written on how to actually destroy one. I thought if I replaced it, with a replica convincing enough to fool Him when He inevitably came to check in on it, then I could disappear and... and study it. Work out what to do.
So I made a replica, and I, um. I waited, I suppose.
[He clears his throat, folding his arms uncomfortably over his chest. This is already a lot more of the story than he's told aloud before, and part of him says he should cut it short there: I went after the Horcrux, I died, the end.]
[But part of him knows that he's probably never going to find the courage to tell this story again, and... Sirius deserves to know. If anyone deserves to know the details, both for their suffering and for their closure, it's Sirius.]
[Also, for all that he wants to have it over with, he finds himself oddly compelled to include every detail, every feeling. To make Sirius understand.]
I had to be careful, of course. It wouldn't just have been me that He killed, if He knew. Luckily, He had almost as low an opinion of me as you did, and Bellatrix taught me enough Occulumency to get past a passing glance from even Him. I don't think...
I know He didn't suspect anything. She didn't suspect, and if He had, she would have.
It was, um. It was cold, when we went. Kreacher didn't want to go, but I needed him - the cave was warded against standard Apparition, you see. That's part of why the Dark Lord took him in the first place. It was cold, and blowing a gale, and we were out on a spur of rock in the North Sea. It was even colder inside, I think.
We needed to move fast. The first ward was activated by blood, and if I were in the Dark Lord's position, I would have ensured that it alerted me at once, not only that there was an intrusion, but from whom. I thought we had about an hour in hand, for how long it would take to fly to the cave in the weather. I set up a ward of my own at the entrance, to warn me if He did arrive, and I just... hoped he'd come for me, and not Mother and Father, I suppose.
Kreacher wasn't doing well. I don't think I fully understood then. I do now, and I, uh... He'd almost died in that inner chamber. Of course he wasn't doing well. He kept begging me to go back, but it was too late. You understand that, don't you? It was too late to go back. I was dead the moment I smeared my blood on the Dark Lord's ward. I needed to be dead for something.
[He laughs suddenly, a sharp, high-pitched sound that doesn't sound at all like him. The shadows are climbing the walls again, winding around him like smoke.]
So I, uh. We. We had to cross a lake. A... a still lake, unnaturally still, and in the middle, there was an island. An island where Kreacher nearly died. He showed me where to find the boat, and we got in, and it was so bloody slow I almost screamed, but in the end we were on the island. And there was the locket, in the basin, just like Kreacher said. It...
[Another of those cracked little laughs. His eyes, which are the only part of him not cast in deep shadow now, are full of fresh tears.]
It didn't even look that much, you know? The poison was only a few inches deep. I knew it had to be drunk, that was the only way to get to the Horcrux. I knew I had to drink it, and I knew it was... I mean, I'd seen what it did to Kreacher. I knew it would hurt. But it really didn't look like that much. I think I actually believed it was all going to work, for a minute.
You've got to remember, I wasn't even out of school yet. I was stupid. I was just... I was really, really stupid. I didn't even know how stupid until a few months ago.
no subject
He made it home. He was almost dead, but he made it. Mother and Father knew he had been lent out, so it was simple enough to keep him hidden while he recovered. When he was strong enough, he told me what had happened, and I started to plan.
[He's pacing again, or at least pacing as much as someone who's never shown much evidence of legs under those unnaturally black robes can pace.]
You see, Sirius, I knew what Kreacher had been sent to hide. It took a little research, but it was simple enough to piece together. The locket of Salazar Slytherin. The need to hide it so thoroughly. The changes in His attitude thereafter. The Dark Lord made a Horcrux.
[He stops moving, and the way he looks at Sirius, cheeks still stained with tears, is accusing; his tone is suddenly nothing but bitter.]
And before you say anything, yes, I thought about finding you and telling you. Then I thought about how, if I was going to wind up dead or in Azkaban regardless, I'd rather not do it with you laughing at me.
[And yet, here we are. Petty. Stupid. But he's said it now.]
So I decided to deal with it myself. Kreacher was invaluable, as always. He told me what to expect, what the security measures were. I did my own research into the Horcrux itself. I determined that it would be impractical to destroy it in situ, and if possible, I wanted to be far away from Grimmauld Place when I did destroy it. I also...
...You know, there's remarkably little written on how to actually destroy one. I thought if I replaced it, with a replica convincing enough to fool Him when He inevitably came to check in on it, then I could disappear and... and study it. Work out what to do.
So I made a replica, and I, um. I waited, I suppose.
[He clears his throat, folding his arms uncomfortably over his chest. This is already a lot more of the story than he's told aloud before, and part of him says he should cut it short there: I went after the Horcrux, I died, the end.]
[But part of him knows that he's probably never going to find the courage to tell this story again, and... Sirius deserves to know. If anyone deserves to know the details, both for their suffering and for their closure, it's Sirius.]
[Also, for all that he wants to have it over with, he finds himself oddly compelled to include every detail, every feeling. To make Sirius understand.]
I had to be careful, of course. It wouldn't just have been me that He killed, if He knew. Luckily, He had almost as low an opinion of me as you did, and Bellatrix taught me enough Occulumency to get past a passing glance from even Him. I don't think...
I know He didn't suspect anything. She didn't suspect, and if He had, she would have.
It was, um. It was cold, when we went. Kreacher didn't want to go, but I needed him - the cave was warded against standard Apparition, you see. That's part of why the Dark Lord took him in the first place. It was cold, and blowing a gale, and we were out on a spur of rock in the North Sea. It was even colder inside, I think.
We needed to move fast. The first ward was activated by blood, and if I were in the Dark Lord's position, I would have ensured that it alerted me at once, not only that there was an intrusion, but from whom. I thought we had about an hour in hand, for how long it would take to fly to the cave in the weather. I set up a ward of my own at the entrance, to warn me if He did arrive, and I just... hoped he'd come for me, and not Mother and Father, I suppose.
Kreacher wasn't doing well. I don't think I fully understood then. I do now, and I, uh... He'd almost died in that inner chamber. Of course he wasn't doing well. He kept begging me to go back, but it was too late. You understand that, don't you? It was too late to go back. I was dead the moment I smeared my blood on the Dark Lord's ward. I needed to be dead for something.
[He laughs suddenly, a sharp, high-pitched sound that doesn't sound at all like him. The shadows are climbing the walls again, winding around him like smoke.]
So I, uh. We. We had to cross a lake. A... a still lake, unnaturally still, and in the middle, there was an island. An island where Kreacher nearly died. He showed me where to find the boat, and we got in, and it was so bloody slow I almost screamed, but in the end we were on the island. And there was the locket, in the basin, just like Kreacher said. It...
[Another of those cracked little laughs. His eyes, which are the only part of him not cast in deep shadow now, are full of fresh tears.]
It didn't even look that much, you know? The poison was only a few inches deep. I knew it had to be drunk, that was the only way to get to the Horcrux. I knew I had to drink it, and I knew it was... I mean, I'd seen what it did to Kreacher. I knew it would hurt. But it really didn't look like that much. I think I actually believed it was all going to work, for a minute.
You've got to remember, I wasn't even out of school yet. I was stupid. I was just... I was really, really stupid. I didn't even know how stupid until a few months ago.